Mann's Generation, Mann's Xmas
by A. Mann
Summary: End of season five. It's Christmas time but something isn't quite right on the Enterprise. The crew have their emotions influenced by an alien, and as usual expect the crude jokes and light-hearted digs at things, and if there's any problem, blame Kirk.


**Star Trek Mann's Generation**

**Mann's Xmas**

**Season five**

* * *

Captain's Log, Commander Data and Guinan are decorating Ten Forward... IT'S CHRISTMAS! In the Earth religion of Christianity... I love presents, the atmosphere, Pinky having a good time, putting mistletoe outside Deanna's office... It's FUN!

* * *

In Ten Forward, the room is covered in black balloons and Guinan and Data stand at the bar looking out.

Guinan: If we wanted the look of some blind guy's funeral celebration I would say we've done our job but this is just awful for Christmas...

Data: Well, perhaps... Processing... (snappy) PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

He points at Guinan.

Guinan: Data, there's not, trust me. You even measured their deployment mathematically, you are such an anus! Now deactivate your spousal abuse program!

Data: It was my lovers' quarrel program, and I do have feelings you know.

Guinan: What? You have feelings?

Data: No, I am an android... was that funny?

Guinan: Looks like you wanna see setting number two.

Guinan pulls out a giant gold rifle.

Data: Perhaps a more human element is required, you should consult the reasonable man.

Guinan: That's it! The reasonable Mann!

Comm: Data, Picard to Data, Nod at Guinan, then strut out of the door and report to my ready room… and as you pass Worf on the bridge call him 'small ridge'… That should be delightful… Hmm hm hm…

Data nods at Guinan, then struts out of the door.

Guinan taps a button on the bar.

Guinan: Richard, this is Guinan.

Comm Riker: Mann's a little busy right now, it can wait!

Comm Mann: GU-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-NAN! HE-LP!

THWACK

Guinan: (Urgent)Mann? Riker? (Sigh) Captain, this is Guinan.

* * *

In the ready room, Pinky is wearing a Father Christmas hat, and has green tinsel draped around his tank, Picard is lounging in his chair with a glass of yellow alcoholic liquid. A glass of martini can be seen on the base of the fish tank.

Data is in front of the desk.

Comm: Captain, this is Guinan.

Picard in shock: Guinan?

Guinan: I need some help.

Picard: HOW MUCH DID YOU SEE?

Guinan: Not a thing, I need help down here, Mann is in trouble and I need him to decorate the bar for Christmas...

Picard: Mister Data, look startled, nod at me, follow me down to Riker, then knock him out, and look at me as I advance, pretending to have respect for me.

Data: Aye sir, as usual sir.

* * *

In a corridor outside a door way, Mann hurtles into a wall.

Riker advances looking crazy.

Riker: I'M NOT CRAYZEY!

Mann: I didn't say you were! And you aren't supposed to say that until Frame of Mind.

Riker: What?

Mann: Nothing, I just wanted to confuse you so I could run!

Mann tries to get away but Riker grabs him by the throat.

Mann: Will, what is this about?

Riker: You put that mistletoe outside her office didn't you?

Mann: No I wouldn't! Didn't either...

Riker: I know what I want, and I know what I've got, I want you away from Troi, and I've got your... pals, in my other hand, one wrong word and I turn them green, understood?

Mann: Perfectly. Absolutely, I concur, wholeheartedly! Besides I have suspicions they've been over-active recently anyway... remember that anomaly a couple of weeks ago?

Riker: Who are you gonna stay away from?

Mann: Besides you, the Tooth Fairy, the Gingerbread Man, that crazy Admiral who seeks out conspiracies, certain celebrity chefs, several politicians that I hate, and that guy on Risa who calls me 'luv', a certain female sciences and medicines officer who happens to be of your acquaintance.

Riker: It's no good, 'cause I know you mean Troi...

Mann: I'm not interested! I'm not a threat to your love and cowardice! Just marry her and get it over with before you're too old and fat!

Riker: I twist.

Mann: A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

Picard and Data emerge from a lift at the end of the corridor.

Data walks in and restrains Riker. He then looks at Picard who advances on Mann.

Mann: Thank you sir, and thanks Data. I'm glad balls in your court now rather than in his hands.

Riker: I'll get you for this! You're a dead man Richard! A dead man!

Mann: A dead Mann actually. A dead Mann… actually.

Data: Mann, I believe you missed out an apostrophe… You also could have used an extra word or…

Mann: Data, I'm making a crude joke. It's hardly funny, but still…

Data: I see… PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Picard and Riker: Yep.

* * *

Later in Ten Forward, Mann and Guinan are talking.

Mann: Why ' you lookin' at me like that?

Guinan: I'm attracted to bald men.

Mann looks awkward.

Mann: O-kay. Let's get this room decorated.

* * *

In Engineering later, Geordi is alone... or so he thinks, he's at the main table holding a PADD.

A noise.

He looks up.

Nothing.

He looks back at the table.

Silence...

LaForge suddenly flies into the side wall.

Geordi: Commander?

Riker picks him up and presses him against the wall.

Geordi: You aren't my type…

Riker: You, Troi, denied!

Geordi fearful: What ' you gonna do?

Riker growls.

* * *

In Ten Forward... There are coloured balloons and tinsel all over the ceiling. There is gold and silver tinsel around the bar, and coloured lights running up the pillars by the window.

Mann: Did it... Guinan, take it off before the Captain finds out.

Guinan: Alright.

She removes her hand from Mann's behind.

Mann: This is getting weird... First Nacho, then you, who next? Father Time's wife?

Ensign Mm walks in with a PADD. He hands it to Mann.

Mann: Thanks Mm...

He reads.

Mm acknowledges: Mm.

Mann: Where's the report from Geordi? Let me guess, Riker?

Guinan: Riker? He's such a pig sometimes, just like someone else I could name.

Ensign Pigg walks through.

Pigg: Pigg actually.

He walks out.

Mann: He stole my line, my whole character image! OI! COME 'ERE!

Mann rushes out.

Guinan chuckling: Doesn't he mean 'oink'?

Mm: Mm...

Distant (so quiet) Data: Another crude joke… Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Guinan and Mm shake their heads in disapproval.

* * *

In Engineering later, Geordi is being held by the throat against a wall.

A green glowing tentacle comes from Riker's mouth.

Riker: Something I picked up on Ri-sa!

Geordi starts to struggle.

PHZ-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-T

Riker: AAA!

Mann holding a phaser: Put that mid... Put that bli... Put that man down! NOW! Or I'll fire again!

Geordi: FIRE AT WILL!

PHZ-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-T

Riker drops Geordi.

Geordi grabs the green tentacle and pulls, a small creature comes out and it's force knocks Geordi down.

It slithers off out of the room.

Riker: Ever heard of a telepathic link?

Mann: Ever heard of dilithium dunk?

Riker: What?

Geordi is about to stand up, when Mann runs at Riker and pushes him, he flies over Geordi into the Dilithium chamber. Mann runs over, grabs Riker's head in one hand and opens the hatch with the other, inserts Riker's head and begins slamming the door.

Riker: OW!

THWACK!

Riker: OW!

THWACK!

Riker: OW!

THWACK!

Riker: OW!

Mann pulls Riker's head out and begins a fist fight.

Geordi stands, and is knocked back down as the two move across the room.

Mann delivers a good whack, Riker is flung around in to the chamber again, only forwards.

Sparks fly from the dilithium chamber hatch...

Riker turns around, and his trousers glow for a moment.

Mann: Wow. Wait 'til Troi sees that!

Riker: Ouch... Stupid warp core. Thanks Mann, I feel completely free from alien influence... Except one thing...

Mann: Betaz...

Riker: Betazoid influence!

He brawls with Mann.

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

* * *

Later in the ready room, Picard is in his chair, close to Pinky's tank.

Pinky: This new rock is fantastic...

Picard: Thank you, it means a great... great...

he begins to weep.

Pinky looking concerned bobs over and then bobs up and down gently.

Pinky: What is it? Would you rather be home with your family?

Picard: EEEW! NO! Rober' flaking everywhere, Rene being a pompous Wesley… But as for the wife, J'adore! …Anyway, it's just, you are my family Pinky... I'm in love with you Pinky.

Pinky: I could have guessed that... Computer, cya...

Picard: As some ancient singer on some ancient album track of Wesley's said, all the lovers don't compare... And that's true. All those Admiral women at Starbases, are nothing like you.

Pinky: What about their skin? Anyway, I see. Well Jean-Luc, I...Well for starters you eat the young of my people...

Picard: Synthetic, all to keep up appearances. Forgive me, ple-e-e-a-ase...

Pinky: I do, you know I always will...

Picard quietly, senile: pl-e-e-ase... f'give me-e.

Pinky: What was that Janny?

Picard crazily loud:

PL-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AS-S-S-E!

FOR-GIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Riker storms in.

Picard: Your crotch is alarming!

Riker: He's a fish Captain.

Picard: I meant you!

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Riker: Warp core containment issue seemed to modify things...anyway there's a crazy life form aboard. It's got some telepathic influence over the crew.

Picard: Oh, that explains what I said to Pinky... Bound to mistake things a little.

Riker: What did you say to Pinky?

Pinky: I was his roc.

Riker: I can't get Data to find a definition for that so I'll take your word for it. Really, nothing comes up when I type it in on the computer network.

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Riker: As I was saying, I can't get Data to find a definition for that so I'll take your word for it.

Picard: Also said by some ancient woman who loved other people... and fish I hope.

Riker: You mean Roc? Wasn't that a type of music?

Picard: A spell check is in order… Picard to Mann, Roc?

Comm Mann: Roc, describes affection, Rock, a type of noise. Rock, a type of rock that Riker used on my head five minutes ago… although where he got one on a space ship I'll never know…

Comm, Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

* * *

Later in Mann's quarters, he is in bed. The lights are off.

Mann wakes suddenly...

Mann: Spot?

Spot, faint: Mrow.

Mann starts stroking.

Mann: Aw...

Spot purrs.

Mann wakes up for real

Mann: AAA! Oh just a dream...

Muffled voice: KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE!

Mann: Aye sir.

Mann's eyes bulge in terror.

He looks at his scratched left hand...

Mann: SPOT!

Spot jumps up and hacks his face.

Mann: A-A-A-A-A-A-A!

Picard storms in wearing a night dress and sleeping hat holding a cricket bat.

Picard: Mann, Spot, shut up! Some of us have to get up early.

Mann: Yeah, me. I relieve Ensign Mm at nine ten.

Picard: What's the deal with him anyway? He's far too intelligent for this ship.

Mann: Problem solved! Now... what to do about Ensign Pigg...

Picard: Hm…

Mann: Hm is another problem altogether, anyway, it's funny how we can have this conversation while an insane bisexual cat hacks at my ever bleeding face… I dunno what Spot's problem is…

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Picard: It is, he's leaving blood all over the place…

* * *

In a jefferies tube later, Ensign Mm and Dr Crusher are present, Mm is probing an assembly of wires and isolinear chips with a device with a grey handle that have long glowing yellow lights at the end of it... the standard probe prop that Geordi always uses.

Crusher: I know I'm not cut out for this job but I wanted to know more about the power that goes into my sickbay...

Mm: Mm...

Crusher: May I take over?

Crusher attempts to take the probe, Ensign Mm cowers and hides it behind him.

Mm: MM!

Crusher: I'm not crawling all the way to Engineering for another probe, you've seen the way I walk, I'd bash every bulkhead on the way down.

Mm: MM!

Crusher: What is wrong with you? Maybe I should get a doctor…

Mm: MM!

Mm tries to crawl away.

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

* * *

Chief Medical Idiot's log... Mann, are you sure that's my job title?

Mann: Yes.

Crusher: The crew's possessive instincts and emotional attachments seem to have been amplified, I can only guess…

Mann: A real doctor would know and do tests…

Crusher:…that there is some relationship between this and the telepathic creature found in Commander Riker... Just for the sake of it I've tested several crewmembers, some of which do have names. I am very certain that people are acting with amplified cave-man style instincts... And Alyssa had better stay out of my office, I don't want her hair all over my stuff again, it's my stuff that I brought from home...

...ME KILL ARRISSA! RAA-A-A-A-A-A-AH-R-R-R-R-R!

* * *

Mann is in the shuttle bay later, Onizuka is sitting ready in launch position. Mm is on top of it huddled up with his probe, and a phaser rifle.

Mann approaches the aft of the shuttle.

Mann: Mm, don't do anything stupid... It's your probe, we all accept that... Just don't jump, you'll bruise your arm or something, if you're gonna kill yourself, or anyone else, use the rifle... Or Jump off a more bulky shuttle.

Mm: MM!

Mann soft: I know, Crusher was wrong...

Mm: Mm.

Mann soft: You know, everyone knows it's your probe, no one will take it from you...

Mm: MM!

He holds up the rifle as if to reinforce what Mann said.

Mann soft: Ensign, I am your senior officer, you can trust me... Come down, give me the rifle, you can keep the probe... Notice I said senior and not superior...

Mm nods, and slowly sits up, and moves to the edge of the shuttle...

Picard storms in dressed as a jungle/rainforest hunter/explorer carrying a phaser rifle.

Picard: WHAT'S THIS I HEARD ABOUT SOME NUT SITTING ON THE ONIZUKA! I'LL CRACK IT!

PH-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-T

Ensign Mm falls backwards, on to the shuttle roof.

Mann: Idiot!

Picard: He is.

Mann: I meant you.

PH-Z-Z-A-R-R-T

Mann: OW! That hurt! Pinky'll never forgive you!

Picard drops the rifle stunned, his mouth trembles and he then runs out screaming for Pinky.

Mann: I need a ladder... But we don't have any... How do we get on top of high things? I'm not fuelling up another shuttle... Odd, Mann to Commander Data? Where's the problem?

Comm Guinan: He's a little busy Mann… Now, say it again… so I can show you setting number two… Not so vocal now are we Data?

* * *

Later in the Ready room, Mann and Crusher are on the couch, Picard is sleeping at his desk. Pinky is in the tank, now with a bottle of martini on the base of it.

Picard muttering: Doctor, Beverly, let's see what else we can do with that isolinear chip…

Mann: Captain? Captain? Snap out of it! Senile old pervert! The crew are going nuts... and your little shoot the ensign, rob the probe routine is gonna have Ensign Mm crying for hours.

Picard: Hm? Oh yes... Good for him. I'm just reading that first bit about the two of you on the couch…

Mann: What?

Picard: I'm only doing what you do… Describing stuff as if it was written, which of course it wasn't.

Mann: I think we've got our lines reversed…

Crusher: The crew are becoming more like cavemen... So far the alien's telepathic field is only affecting the more intelligent crewmembers...

Mann: Riker? You're joking...

Crusher: Some of the most intelligent, or those who were in close proximity to it at the times it's strongest. By cave-man instincts or whatever I said, I don't mean all of them at once… basically amplified emotions beyond the levels of reasonable control… except in Will's case.

Picard: Do I look like an agony aunt? Is there a sign on my door that says 'oh come on in all ye with problems'?

Mann has a thought that leaves him open-mouthed.

Mann: We need someone with low intelligence who can sense telepathic fields! The second they act intelligently and posessive, we know the creature is near! We can seal off the deck and go hunting!

Crusher: Why bother? Seals are extinct…We could just scan the ship...

Pinky: I ran a sensor sweep before, Worf's teeth interfered with the scan... Or the alien is able to mask itself... We need Mann's plan.

Picard: Beverleh. Prepare for a code white emergency... Number two, you're with me.

Mann: Oh c'mon! Don't call me that! Anyway Data's number two.

Picard: Data's gone AWOL. Something about Spot wounding crewmembers on the lower decks and getting tangled in tinsel... and something Guinan said about setting number three.

Mann: Then again we could just get Troi to take command, as soon as she starts looking down on Ensigns we know she's getting more clever and possessive of her command… Wait, that's a reason why not to put her in command, let's find her, use her, but not put her in command… Or just put the whole crew in the cargo bay and then decompress the rest of the ship.

Picard: Sounds like Riker… On both counts… And also involving Troi on those counts…

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Picard: No. Make it no! Do the other plan. I want to go hunting and want my Ensigns ready to be killed by Romulans and freak accidents! But, if decompression is a freak accident, I might be willing…

* * *

In a corridor section outside Troi's office, Mann and Picard wearing Santa hats and carrying baseball bats stride up to the foyer area.

Riker emerges from behind the section and advances.

Mann: FRED FLINSTONE!

Riker: TROI MINE!

Riker is wearing an orange and black spotted outfit, carrying a club.

Picard: We need Troi's help. Let us get by Commander. That's an order.

Mann: No, that's an odour, Will, go shower, I'll stand guard over Troi.

Riker: TROI MINE!

Riker lunges at Mann, Picard stands to the side and claps every second to the following brawl cheering it on.

Mann: YOU BA...

THWACK!

As Mann and Riker brawl, Picard walks along pressed against the wall then runs over to Troi's door, taps a code into the panel, and runs through the door.

Mann: YOU SAID THIS WOULD BE A JOINT EFFORT!

Riker: TROI MINE!

In Troi's office, Picard lies on the couch, Troi sits in the chair tied up.

Troi: Why won't you untie me?

Picard: I want your help. If you agree, I'll sneak us out of here.

Troi: Riker scrambled the transporter system. We can't sneak out. Your decoy is probably dead by now.

Picard: I need you to go for a long walk until you detect the alien.

Troi: Alright. Now untie me.

Picard: Ok…

He stands, then sits back down.

Picard: What would you say are my best qualities?

Troi: Now isn't the time…

Picard: Fine, I'll not untie you.

Troi: You're nice.

Picard: Would you say handsome?

Troi: Yes…

Picard: Is bald a good thing?

Troi: Promise if I say yes this time you won't show me your behind.

* * *

Captain's log, Troi has been scouting the ship with Data, attempting to pick up signs of the alien. However so far there has been nothing. Data has insisted that there may be a problem with Troi or my planning.

* * *

Mann is in his quarters lying on his bed.

Mann: Computer, music.

Classical music plays.

Mann: Something, different…

Computer: Specify.

Mann: Hmm… I'm not sure. Just play me some jokes instead.

Computer: Crew manifest access restricted.

Mann: Nice joke, not quite the humour I had in mind.

Data distant: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Mann falls asleep.

* * *

Mann's dream:

All is snowy. Mann is standing in snow. Father Christmas arrives by parachute and goes straight through the snow… a minute later he climbs up.

Mann: Nice entrance.

FC: Thanks… Remember I said about good deeds? Where are they Mann?

Mann: Who cares? What's the worst that could happen if I was on the naughty list? I'd not get a present?

FC: No… I could arrange your dreams for you!

He snaps his fingers…

MREEW!

Spot lands from the sky on to Mann's shoulder, looks at him, hacks!

Mann screams…

* * *

...Then wakes up to see Data sitting on the floor looking at him.

Mann: AAA!

Data: Hm… PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

* * *

In Ten Forward around lunchtime Mann and LaForge sit at the centre table closest to the bar having lunch and joking about Riker.

Mann: What a…Look who just walked in…

Riker lumbers over to Deanna who's at the end of the bar, then his pants glow green.

Geordi: That's just disturbing and has no place in a civilised story.

Riker: You're coming with me Counselor.

Troi: Will…

Riker: You will? Yeah you're damn straight!

Mann: Geordi, what can we do about him? Is he nuts or just a pig?

Ensign Pigg walks past.

Mann frowns

Geordi: Hey Pig!

Pigg: It's Pigg actually.

Mann jumps at him and starts brawling.

Geordi: I meant Riker.

Mann: That's my character's style, how dare you! THWAK

Troi (super loud): I'M SENSING A MORON! A GIANT ALIEN MORON WHO IS CORRUPTING OUR CREW!

Picard walks in

Everyone stops and looks at him.

Picard: Well it isn't me.

Riker: Troi, you're a dimwit, how can we trust you? That sense was probably from last week.

Picard frowns and looks at Riker's glowing trousers.

Picard: Dianna…

Troi: I've noticed, DIanna, BaHjor, JARdi, you must either sound European or American, but not a mix, it just doesn't work.

Riker: She's right. Now we can trust her. SO where's the alien? This guy?

Riker picks up some passerby and holds him in the air by his neck.

Mann from on top of Pigg struggling: Leave them alone Riker. You know they're all weak and can't defend themselves. Non-entities are innocent little frightened creatures.

* * *

Captain's Log, Troi has been sensing the telepathic organism, she cannot pinpoint it's location. I have therefore ordered that the crew arm themselves in case they find it…

* * *

Later in the Ready Room Picard is perched on the desk.

Pinky: Where's my assistant?

Picard: I armed him and sent him on patrol.

Pinky: Dangerous emotions are surfacing so you give the crew weapons?

Picard: No choice, either him or me.

Pinky: I understand, it's just that… I really needed his help today… And I had a special present for his family.

Picard: It's necessary…

Picard's eyes bulge, his mouth scowls…

Pinky: Jean?

Picard: Fish… FOOD! NOW!

Picard dives at the tank but bumps his head and falls down, he gets up and tries to scratch at the tank.

Pinky: JONNY!

Picard: FISH BE EAT!

Pinky: AAA!

On the bridge a minute later, everyone is at their usual posts.

Riker is standing in the middle of the room.

Mann: Do I hear smashing?

Troi and Data: I do not know.

Data: I hear screaming…

The Riker, Mann and Data get up and run into the ready room to see Picard trying to pry Pinky's tank out of the wall slot with a crowbar.

Riker: CAPTAIN?

Picard: ME PINKY EAT! ROAR!

Mann and Data dive at Picard and try to pull him away from the tank…

Riker runs over to Pinky.

Riker: Sir? Are you alright?

Pinky confused: What? Who? Picard nuts? Me?

Riker: He's in shock… RIKER TO CRUSHER… no wait, need someone competent… Riker to Ogawa! Riker to Selar! Report to the Ready Room immediately, critical medical emergency!

Mann: Come to think of it I haven't seen Selar for a while…

* * *

Later in the brig, Picard is sitting with his head in his hands. The usual non-entity sits at the control station.

Mann walks in and stands in front of the cell.

Mann: Captain?

Picard looks up at Mann.

Mann: Pinky is in desperate fear, he won't leave sickbay, he's set up all kinds of force field and phaser traps…

Picard: Can he forgive me? It was the alien…

Mann: I asked him, he had such difficulty before saying that he doesn't know…

Picard: Can I come out now?

Mann: Ok, I'll ask Pinky, but when I tap my badge, don't scream at him to forgive you…

Mann taps his badge…

Mann cautious: Mann to Pinky…

Comm Pinky: Go ahead?

Picard: PL-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-EA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ASE!

FO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RGIVE ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

Comm Pinky: AAAA! Pinky out!

Mann: You blew it!

Picard: I'm a monster!

Mann: You know what, you'd better stay in here. Ensign Noname, raise the force field…

Picard: You mean it was never up? I've been in here for hours! I missed those reruns of Andromeda for this!

Picard storms out just before the field raises.

* * *

Captain's Log, the crew have sided with Pinky… I can't believe that any alien influence would ever make me hurt Pinky… Even as Locutus I had been willing to spare him…There was even a special tank constructed… But now, I've lost all the trust and faith Pinky has put in me… So much for a happy Christmas, my best pal doesn't want to be near me any more…

Data distant: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

* * *

In Riker's quarters later, everyone but Picard is sitting around.

Riker: Welcome once again to the mutiny room. As you know there is an alien aboard who is crippling the crew with telepathically transmitted tripe. As the women may know, due to an accident, I now have a super-human… lower area. I'm like Spiderman! When I jump, I aim it at you… plus it's radioactive… but curiously my… I am able to reproduce.

Mann: It was no accident and I would do it again to save Geordi, my only source of amusement… Then again, more of your kind, do I really want that?

Everyone's eyes bulge.

Geordi: MANN!

Mann: I meant Riker!

Mann: I meant I play jokes Geordi for fun. I tinker with his Visor.

Riker: Anyway, the alien. We need to track it. Troi is useless.

Troi: Ask Guinan…

Riker: Why Guinan?

Mann: She's got the biggest hat on the ship… If I were an invasive alien I would hide in there, plenty of room, remember when McKinley Station was busy and I docked the ship in one of Guinan's hats?

Riker chuckling: Oh yeah I remember that. And that time we were about to engage the Borg, but you went to get Guinan a hat from her closet and got lost in them.

Mann: We've scanned everywhere else, and even though our scanners can't detect the lifeform anyway, Guinan's hat is the only place that hasn't been inspected.

Riker: She's wearing that huge purple one today… Ever asked her to remove her hat? She's like a nun, you wouldn't. Besides she's got a massive rifle under the bar.

Riker: She's not a nun, she's a broad.

Data: A broad what? Hat? Or is she on vacation?

Riker: I'm joking about a historical film I saw… Actually a pretty good one.

Mann: And her hat's so big it's got its own outer defence perimeter, and the internal defences are rumoured to be very destructive.

Geordi: Yeah, I remember our last run in with it…

* * *

Flashback to Encounter at Farpoint, Picard stands in front of his chair and non-entities take the other posts.

Picard: Who are they?

Afro-yellow-shirt-at-tactical: IT MEASURES TWELVE TIMES OUR VOLUME CAPTAIN!

Picard: On screen!

Guinan's large purple hat appears on the viewer closing on the ship, in place of the alien jellyfish.

* * *

Mann: We need to inspect it…

Worf: Don't look at me.

Mann: I'm trying not to.

* * *

In Ten Forward later, Mann walks over to the bar, Guinan is standing at the middle of it.

There are crewmembers at tables.

Mann: Guinan, I'm going to ask you a difficult question…

Guinan: Don't worry Mann, I've been expecting this… You see, when a man and woman…

Mann: No, not that…

Guinan: Ah, I've been expecting that… When a man and a man…

Mann: Guinan, please…

Guinan: Oh, I see… When someone is confused about their gender…

Mann: Guinan? And it's Mann and a woman, and Mann and or a Mann.

Guinan: I'm all out of ideas… What could it…? NO-h?

Mann: Guinan, there's an intruder aboard and we can't find it… the only place we haven't looked is in your hat…

Guinan: I knew this was coming… It's sugar in there, nothing else, no need to scan it… Sugar.

Mann: We need to scan for aliens.

Guinan: No… You don't want to see my hair… it's got a life of its own and it is really long.

Mann: Is there any way I can change your mind…?

Guinan: I'm attracted to bald men.

Mann: The Captain is back in Cell One, he's all alone and wants company.

Guinan: Fine, take the hat…

She removes her large hat and hands it to Mann revealing that she is bald, then she walks out of the nearest door.

Mann just stares in shock.

Mann later looks into the hat as Riker and Geordi enter the room and join him.

Mann echoing: Nothing in here, some sugar, some isolinear chips, and… ALIEN!

A green tentacle monster jumps out of the hat on to Mann's face.

Mann falls about screaming, then stops…

Mann: It's not as painful as Spot… Kinda soothing really.

Riker pulls out a phaser and fires…

Mann: HEY! MY HEAD'S BEHIND THIS THING!

Riker fires again and the alien collapses on to the floor.

Riker aims again for Mann's head.

Geordi: Commander! The alien?

Riker: I keep missing… Now, I have a clear shot on Mann's face…I want to fire but I can't… I thought it was set on kill…It didn't…

Data distant: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

The three look down at the alien on the floor.

Mann: Eeew!

Data distant: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Riker: Riker to Data, report to Ten Forward…

Data walks in, Riker fires his phaser at Data…

Mann: At least it's not as bad as the time Spock flipped out…

* * *

On the old Enterprise in a wreck room, Spock stands holding a machine gun firing it wildly, people hide behind tables, Kirk stands hunched behind a table by the door trying to talk Spock into sense.

Spock firing in semi-circles:

Spock: BL-O-O-D-D-Y-Y HU-MA-NS!

He stops…

Kirk: (slow) Mister (fast) SBOK?

Spock roaring: YOU!

He tries to fire his gun, then reloads it as Kirk tries to negotiate.

Kirk: S-BOK? Y-ou can't just FFFire PHasers at all…your… 'broblems… Think (fast) SPOCK, OF WHAT IT MEANS TO BE (slow) human…

Spock: Screw you!

He fires in a semi-circle again, Kirk ducks…

Spock changes the ammo.

Kirk stands up…

Kirk: SS-Bok? Wass the Maddter? We GAN talk aBOUT it Spock…

Spock: LIKE HECK!

He fires again, missing Kirk, then reloads…

Kirk: S-BOK?

Spock: Alright, you wanna talk, let's talk! Or are my ears too DHAMN pointy again?

Kirk: What IS it SBOK?

Spock looks at Kirk

Spock strong but a bit croaky: You smother the women of this galaxy with yourself and to heck with the rest of us, you insult my species and my abilities, you constantly speak of your evolved system being better than every other world you encounter, then you damn well insult me again! You plant booby traps, you make unfunny jokes, like trapped b****es, and insult me for not laughing, you don't care about the level of control I have accomplished over my emotions, the crew constantly…

Kirk: SBok. Is this about…the…alien… SBOres again? Or are YOU yearning, to go HOme, and let out the Seven—Year-Monster?

Spock: YOU OVER-CONFIDENT, OVER-OPINIONATED, SELFISH PR…

Machine gun fire at Kirk drowns out Spock's words…

Kirk jumps and then rolls behind another table…

Spock runs out of ammo again.

Spock reloads.

Kirk: SBok! It's BEING HUmaN, that DeFines our g-ode of BehaviourSBok, you have to sDop!

Spock: FOR THE LAST BLOODY TIME, I AIN'T HUMAN! EAT LEAD!

Spock fires another round then again runs out of bullets after destroying a cardboard chess set.

Kirk stands smug: Spock, you are illogical…

Spock: Oh for Heaven's sake, you just want to try to provoke me, to distract me, well it won't bloody work! You claim to honour brains, but whenever I beat or lose to you at chess you throw over racial slurs…You claim to be creatures of compassion yet whenever I contract a life-threatening illness you insult my species (gruff) and mock my genome!

Instantly he reloads and fires. Kirk dives at Spock, camply punches him in the face with a massive smack sound delayed, grabs him by the upper arms, tosses his gun out of the way where it lands and fires and kills a red-shirt. Kirk shakes the dazed Spock around.

Kirk: SBOK! You poor Vulcan fool… WE're Going to HELP you Sbok! Your MEN-dal Vulcan inadequacy of your member, IS fixable… No NEED to get angry, about your Member, inadequacy.

McCoy runs in with a hypospray and jabs Spock in the arm…

McCoy: If he was human this would work faster but he's a Vulcan idiot. Green blood is no match for this concoction though… His defective, green blood that is…

Gruff voice: YUCK! THAT'S TERRIBLE!

A green tentacle monster jumps out of Spock's mouth and sits on the nearest table, everyone stares at it…

Alien: Cue red shirt… Then Kirk.

A red-shirt jumps up with a phaser: CAPTAIN?

Kirk exaggerating holds up his hand to order stop.

Kirk: What are you, and where can I insert my…

Alien: Spock's right, you completely missed the point of his arguments. Not everyone has their brains in their pants like you.

Kirk: He said I had brains! YO A-ALL Heard it!

* * *

Mann: Hey, alien? Spock nuts? Crew insane by alien? We need to check this, let's reassemble on the bridge around science station two, I'll stand on Geordi's left as he sits, and Riker leans on the console to Geordi's right.

Riker: Non-specific Ensign, take this creature to Cell Two.

* * *

On the bridge, all is as Mann said. The three are reading reports on the small screen.

Geordi: There! The creature on the old Enterprise was a telepathic amplifier, non-humanoid, with an excellent command of English language. He spelled zed sounds with esses and put yous after ohs. Captain Kirk had his way with it and then emotionally unstable Spock, that is Spock and the creature, not Kirk and Spock... for once... anyway the alien left after a short while. It was only on a short observation mission. It drove Spock insane just as it did Commander Riker.

Mann annoyed: Not another bloody mission carried over from the old Enterprise…

Riker: There's a lorg, can you play it?

Geordi: I can do many things. You assume my heritage and physical condition prevent me from doing normal everyday tasks?

Geordi presses a button.

Kirk's voice: GAP-Din's log, stardate… ur… supplemental. MisssteR SBOk has been driven, GRAzy by an alien… I… ShoWed that AlieN the meaning of LoVe, and I DeSTRoYed, the Gomputerrrrr on their home Blanet… And it's also… Pregnant.

Mann: Activate the universal translator…

Geordi: That's as close as you're going to get…

Comm Male: Brig to Bridge, someone forgot to activate the force field again and now the alien has escaped…

Data at Ops: Perhaps there is something wrong with you!

Riker: Sh-u-t up!

Data: Commander?

Riker: I said shut up! As in close your trap and stop talking! Perhaps there is some thing wrong with you…

Data walks over.

Data tough: Say that again beardo…

Mann: You're right… something is odd here…

Data angry: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Mann thumps Data's belly, a door opens up and a compressed alien falls out.

Geordi: My time to state the obvious… camera close up on my face…

Mann and Riker: SHUT UP! AS IN CLOSE YOUR BACKSIDE AND STOP TALKING!

Mann: He's been hiding in Data, and rewiring him to make him betray us… those sensor scans only failed because Data did them…

Riker: We've found it.

Mann and Riker pull out phasers.

The creature jumps up at Riker, who thrusts his lowers…

A green energy beam fires from Riker's pants and knocks the creature to the ground.

Picard walks in covered in lipstick lip marks.

Picard looks the group up and down…

Picard: … Hm… Conference.

* * *

In the conference lounge, Picard sits at one end of the table, on his right-the window side, sits Riker, Data, Worf, Crusher, Guinan. On his right sits Mann, the alien, Troi, Geordi.

Picard furious but controlled: Explain yourself.

Data: PERHAPS THERE IS SOME…

Mann whacks Data in the face.

Mann then silently sits back down clutching his hand with a silent pain look on his face.

Picard: Grand.

Guinan: My name is Guinan, I tend bar, and I listen.

Picard: I didn't mean you…

Alien: Well, I am the offspring of a half-Human, half-Vulcan man, and a strange creature resembling a human man, yes, two fathers, both biological, and also a member of our Tentaclans.

Picard: Not Tentacloids?

Alien: I thought every race had to be something-an.

Mann: Stupid rule really.

Alien: I just heard a Human vessel…

Guinan, Data, Worf and Geordi clear their throats.

Alien: Sorry, Human controlled vessel…

Mann: Well the Captain's not quite a Human, and Geordi? Why did you cough?

Geordi: What? Why?

Mann: You aren't an alien…

Geordi: I'm blind, I couldn't see that only the aliens coughed… My visor is…

Data points: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Geordi pulls out a handset (remote) and flicks the mute button.

Data appears to be shouting but no sound.

Mann smiles greatly: I WANT ONE OF THOSE!

Picard: So explain everything you… alien.

Geordi: HEY!

Picard: Not you Misduhlafuj…

Alien: A human-controlled vessel…

Throat clearings

Alien: …with several other alien species aboard, and a blind man, and a cat, was passing through, and I wanted to see my culture… Turns out we have nothing in common, I was hiding inside Data and Riker whenever I was in fear of discovery, and may have changed some of Data's operations.

Data points and mines: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Picard slow and getting mad: Y-o-u c-a-m-e h-e-r-e t-o judge US? Get off my ship.

Alien: Do not worry, I will. You are all strange to me, and frankly I like my tentacle species better. Honestly, I hope we never meet again… and did I explain my species has some telepathic thing that affects moods of humanoids? No? Well there is one. BYE!

Mann: What about the dinner?

Alien: I'm like you Mann, vegetarian. No turkey dinner for me.

The alien fades and phases as it darts through the window… without breaking it.

Picard nods, takes a second to reflect, then fast, loud, urgent: MISTER WORF. FIRE PHASERS!

Mann: Turk…? GAA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-K! OW MY HEART!

Picard: That's what Guinan said when I refused her company in the brig. Now, Mister Pinky and I will be glad to… Pinky?

Picard looks around the table, then hangs his head in shame into his hands.

Mann: I need to get to sickbay, I'll have a word with him.

Picard sobbing: Grand.

Data raises his pointing finger and opens his mouth…

Mann: SHUT UP DATA.

* * *

In sickbay later, Mann, after being healed goes over to the main biobed where Pinky sits inside a tank.

Pinky: How did you get through the force fields and armed guards?

Mann: Poultry.

Pinky: Ahh….

Mann: Pinky, I…

Pinky: Sit down Mann… What's the madder?

Mann perches next to the tank.

Mann: Remember Jean-Luc? He's really upset that the alien forced him to try and harm you.

Pinky: I don't know if I can trust him, I heard there's a fish course for the Christmas dinner…

Mann: Pinky, Picard eats synthetic flavoured matter, and calls it fish to keep up appearances in front of the carnivores…

Pinky: Hang on… Why didn't Data say that the problem could perhaps be with me?

Mann: Geordi turned off his voice box. He's now learning sign language and should appear in a smaller version at the bottom right , or my left, of our field of view.

Pinky: Good.

Mann: C'mon Pinky, please… Remember the good times? That time we got stuck on that anti-fish planet, after we got back we stuck straws in your tank and blew jacuzzi bubbles?

Pinky: Yeah that was pretty fun… Until Riker came in and blew hard and I had to ride the rapids.

Mann: What about that time Picard put on that play for you of the entire works of Shakespeare and played every single character?

Pinky: That was amazing, I don't know how he did it…

Mann: Or that time Picard invaded that aquarium to fight for equal rights? And that time Picard used his position as Captain of the flagship to get you a table in that crowded restaurant on Risa…

Pinky: That one was awesome… Alright, I'll give it another go… He's forgiven… And Mann, thank you… Jonny's a great friend.

Mann: I'd better go tell him, he's sobbing in the observation lounge, if he cries anymore we'll need to replace the carpet… and the deck plate…

Thunder and rattle

Mann: We do need to replace them now.

Mann stands up and leaves…

* * *

In Engineering later in the Jefferies tube room, LaForge and Data stand looking at what used to be a ladder.

Mann walks past glancing in, then walks back and enters.

Mann: Geordi?

Geordi: Someone cut all the rungs up about ten decks from here… They also put a vat of acid on the floor in here, luckily Ensign Nameless broke my fall…

Mann: Where is the Ensign? And the acid?

Geordi: Sickbay, no one can tell what kind of acid that was… But on the bright side, he's got a healthy yellow glow… and a visor!

Mann: So someone put acid at the bottom of a tube? Cut all the rungs? And who shut the hatch?

Geordi: I did after I came through it. It was just left wide open…

Mann urgent: So someone could fall straight through and drown in acid? Geordi! This could be a suicide attempt!

Mann looks as Data mimes: Perhaps there is something wrong with you.

Mann: Whatever Data.

Data's expression matches the one he pulled when Pulaski confirmed in 'Where Silence has Lease' that he was alive.

Mann: Androids with no emotion shouldn't be able to smile…

Data mimes: Perhaps there is something wrong with you.

Geordi: Did I describe the searing pain Ensign Nameless went through?

Mann: You're right, get some popcorn in case my possible future plan fails…By shutting that door whoever jumps is gonna have a terrible headache when their head hits the do…

THUD!

Voice: OW!

Mann: It failed, didn't even start. Data, stand under the hatchway to catch the guy.

Mann: Computer: Open hatch…

Picard falls through the hatchway as Data looks up…

SCWELCH!

Picard: OW! OW! MY BACK!

Mann: Data!

Data has Picard supported on his nose, appearing in a T shape.

Data mimes: Perhaps there is something wrong with you.

Mann: Get him to sickbay!

Data walks towards the door, Picard bumps the wall and falls off Data's nose.

Picard: OW!

Mann: Mann to Transporter… Four, Mister Kelso…

Comm, Ensign Old: Y-e-s? I'm fil—ling in for h-i-m…

Mann: Mann to Riker! Counsellor Troi is dying in Engineering!

On the bridge Riker jumps up from Picard's chair, dashes off appearing to be at warp speed, leaving mist where he's been…

* * *

In sickbay Crusher is trying force a laptop into the replicator.

Alyssa stands near tutting.

A warping Riker zooms in and snatches both of them and leaves through the next door.

He then appears next to Mann in the Jefferies tube room.

Mann: That was easy.

Riker: THAT WAS A HOAX?

THWACK!

Mann falls to the floor.

Data taps Geordi on the shoulder, Geordi turns to look at him.

Data points to his own mouth.

Geordi: No Data, I told you, I don't give any random guys tonsil inspections...I'm not (Riker stands up to him) Couns.s... Erm… I'm not a slut…

Mann: He wants you to reactivate his voice!

Riker: SHUT UP! YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME DOWN THERE!

Mann kicks Riker in the upper leg area…

Riker collapses with bulging eyes too…

Crusher: Maybe we should help them Alyssa… Alyssa?

Crusher looks to see Alyssa co-ordinating medics with stretchers…

Crusher: Wow… what is that she's doing?

Riker: Practicing medicine? … Did you notice the effect of that alien?

Crusher: Alien?

Riker: The one that made peoples' emotions go nuts… Like the Vulcan disease.

Mann: I'LL KILL YOU RIKER! Mister Data?

Data: PERHAPS THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU!

Crusher: Banadio Syndrommee?

Mann wails as he's stretchered out of the room.

* * *

Captain's Log, Pinky has forgiven me… FOR-GIVEN ME-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E!

The crew has also been restored to normal with the departure of the alien, and I'm almost ready to be released from sickbay… there's only a day left until Christmas… I hope Pinky likes his present.

* * *

In sickbay Picard is lying on the middle bio-bed in the row… Pinky is in a tank on a trolley next to him, Mann also stands there.

Mann: So Troi says you're ok?

Picard: Yep… Anyway she's too stupid to figure out that she can order me off duty.

Pinky: It's nearly time for presents and dinner!

Picard: Can't wait… Just don't invite any damn Klingons… they'll waste the cavia…

Pinky gasps…

Picard: I mean Cava… And the turk…

Mann clutches his chest…

Picard: …The burned replicated bird meat….

* * *

Mann's Log, it's Christmas Day. All is well, the crew have recovered and now it's time to open presents. At this time it seems bad that I've not done all the good deeds I was supposed to have done, and that no one else has done one either, perhaps in the gifts they give, some goodness will shine through…

Picard: What a load of shi…

* * *

Mann wakes up in his bed, his room has tinsel around the walls and on the desk of his room, which he walks to in his pyjamas, is a small decorated Christmas tree. Under it are wrapped presents in different coloured paper.

Mann: Computer, messages?

Computer: One thousand messages concerning happy festivities, and eighteen complaining that the festivities are offensive.

Mann: Submit the appropriate replies, and retaliatory phrases.

Computer beeps.

Mann grabs a gold present, unwraps, and opens a box…

Mann: Geordi… OH GEORDI! I LOVE YOU!

THUD THUD THUD

Picard distant: KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE YOU TWO!

Mann: Now I can mute Data whenever he says…

Data distant: Perhaps there is something…

Mann presses a button on the remote control he just opened.

Data distant: wrong with.

Mann listens… Nothing.

Mann smiles.

Mann then places the control in the box and places it on the desk. He proceeds to open another in purple paper.

Mann: From Riker… Oh dear, this is gonna be a mouse trap like last year…

Mann: AAA!

Mann looks at the gift.

Mann: Oh, it's not one… It's a toy mouse? Why?

Data's present moves, rips open and Spot jumps out and hacks at Mann's face.

Mann peels Spot off and pulls a small box off her new collar, he then throws her at the door which she escapes through.

Mann: Data gave me a box the size of an ant… let's see what's in here.

Mann grabs a phaser, just in case.

He opens the small box.

Mann: A disk? Oh… Computer, identify contents.

Computer as Mann groans loudly and in a bored way: Data Poems volume two.

Mann: aw-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w-w…!

Picard distant: I said keep it down!

THUD THUD THUD THUD.

Mann places his gift and his phaser on the desk…

He opens another wrapped in red and green.

Mann: Oh Captain, this is just… I've always wanted one of these… Aww…

Mann starts the tears rolling.

Mann pulls the gift out…

Picard storms in wearing his pyjamas and sleeping hat.

Picard: ALRIGHT YOU COUPLE OF…MANN? You could have just been diplomatic! It's a present and I am the Captain…

Mann: I love this…

Picard: Oh I see… Right, well…

Mann: Mann actually. Not Rightwell.

Picard: It's a good quality item that will never allow mistaken identity of one's own… hair.

* * *

In Data's quarters later, Data is standing by his shelf of junk re-pipping his collar.

Data casual: Oh Data, what a big handsome strong robot, and a Commander too…

Data usual: I am an android. Not a robot.

Data casual: Any orders Commander…?

Data usual: Yes, I command you to…

Spot: MROW!

Spot dives up and clings on to Data's face.

Data: Spot… Spot… Spot… Spot… Spot…

Geordi bursts through the door.

Geordi: Data, Riker's got a phaser rifle and he's going after Mann, come and see… and what are you doing with that cat?

* * *

Outside the doors to Ten Forward later, the crew's faces are pressed against the glass from inside Ten Forward, Mann is outside, Riker storms over holding a phaser rifle-shaped object in gold wrapping with a red bow on it.

Riker: Mann…

Mann: Riker? You're just on time for the big unwrapping in there…

Riker: If I wanted something like that I'd have gone the holodeck.

Mann: What?

Riker: What's going on in there?

Mann: It's the event where the crew open presents from anonymous people and feast on stuff, then we seniors sneak out and have dinner in the Captain's dining room.

Riker: Thank goodness, you won't believe how many of the people in there I've been on dates with that hate me because every time I had one Wesley would run in and take me away from them.

Mann: Add some commas, anyway… shall we?

Riker: Mann? I forgot to give you something.

Riker holds up the object in wrapping.

Riker: I'm sorry, I was late delivering this. It's for you. I hope you like it.

In Ten Forward all the crew are squashed against the doors spying out of the window.

Picard: There's a cat in my pants!

Geordi: Yeah mine too…

Picard: There's a great big Spot on my…

Crusher: I know…

Picard: DATA! That cat Spot is hacking at my leg!

Everyone: Ohhh…

Geordi: I wonder what they're saying… Riker looks mad.

Crusher: I heard Mann has a calendar of Troi poses.

Guinan: Hurry up and show him setting number sixteen.

Outside…

Mann takes the object, unwraps it.

Mann: Chocolate rifle! Thanks Commander, that's just wonderful!

Riker: I got the one you sent me…

Mann: ah…

Riker: No one has ever thought that I like to cook with pastry, and that book has just inspired me…

Mann: You're welcome…

Riker; Let's go in.

The two walk towards the doors, which open, forcing the spying crew to fall over.

Picard lying on a pile of people: Now there are seven cats and one Spot in my pants!

The crew stand up and later mingle, scattered around Ten Forward.

Mann is at the bar talking to Guinan

Mann: Guinan, I hope you liked your present.

Guinan: I didn't think I could get a hat any bigger than the ones I wear… I'm grateful.

Mann: I hope Geordi liked his…

Guinan: That white stick for the visually impaired?

Mann: No, Data got him that, I got him a bottle of brandy.

Guinan: A blind guy flies the ship, blind guy becomes engineer, blind guy gets drunk, are you trying to kill us all?

Mann: Nah, just Pigg… Then again, good will…I got him a toy phone that makes animal noises. I even corrected pig to have to Gs.

Over by the window in the right corner, Worf is standing staring out. Data approaches.

Data: Is there a problem with the gift Worf? More likely, perhaps there is something wrong with you?

Worf turns around smiling to reveal grey teeth.

Data: The whitener worked then… Warning. Bacteria and sensory overload… You need to clean your teeth Worf.

Worf: Mann got me a tooth brush but I knocked out three teeth and broke the brush. I fixed it… But those teeth were my little warriors… Don't know if I'll ever recover.

* * *

Later in the dining room, which looks like the observation lounge, the main crew are sitting around eating. Picard at end. On his left Geordi, Worf, Data, Mm, sit. On his right, Mann, Troi, Riker sit. Pinky is in a bowl at the other end of the table.

Mann: Counselor, did you get anything for Christmas?

Troi: Yes… As soon as Will's finished inspecting it I'll get to see it.

A stewardess walks in and gives Riker a glass of water then winks at him.

Troi's eyes appear insane.

Troi: STAY AWAY FROM WILL! HE'S MINE!

Troi charges over and forces the woman out of the room.

Riker: Didn't see that coming.

Mann: The idea is that we're all meant to be friendly, remember that great power is possible, to inspire people, to heal the sick, cure the miserable, and give people a strong mental presence that helps them enrich their lives…

Picard (Remember Manhunt season2): How very interesting…

Mann: I recognise that tone, you're wanting to escape.

Picard: No, you're not as bad as Troi's mother.

Troi walks back in and sits.

Picard: I heard that the meaning was to get really drunk, get as many presents as possible, and somehow wind up dead by morning.

Crusher: Now those were the lousy twentieth and twenty-first centuries.

Picard: Commander Data's anecdotes are stuff of legends aboard this ship…

Mann: Yeah they put more people to sleep than Terellian plague.

Crusher: The Tellurian plague?

Mann: GAAAAAAAAAAA! Why are there so many T' somethings?

Riker noble: Mann, come to think of it… We've all of us, done some good deeds, saving Earth, saving geologically deficient planets, saving people who look like fried prawns, giving of gifts….

Mann sarcastic: And receiving of rings…

Riker: You united Pinky and the Captain, you saved Geordi from me, you even went through the proper channels in order to give Troi a present, and then there's all those offshoot Mann's from that anomaly.

Mann: I suppose so…

Picard: Weren't you on a promise from Father Christmas that he'd put you on the nice list if good deeds were done?

Mann: Was I?

Picard: That entitles you to presents…

Mann: I don't really need them…

Thunderous wobbling.

Riker: It's not me.

Picard: Mann, sounds like you just earned some presents…

Comm: Ensign Nobody to Captain Picard! The cargo bays are exploding with parcels and sparkly magic!

Mann: After dinner. Right now I wanna enjoy this warm feeling I've got… from Deanna's hand on my lap…

Riker: YOU BAS'

Mann: Just kidding, in fact, you can all share my gifts.

Pinky: You've done it now, Jean Luc's asleep.

Picard is somehow wearing his sleeping hat and asleep.

He stands.

Mann: Oh no…

Picard: I am, Locutus, of sleep. You will power down your forks, and escort us to cargo bay one, where we begin the timely assimilation of your presents. If you attempt to intervene, we will throw sprouts at you.

Riker: Phaser him!

Troi: We can't!

Mann: We can! Think of the sprouts!

Pinky starts singing: The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else's lake, you dream about going up there…

Picard stops trying to assimilate his napkin and wakes.

Picard loudly starts to sing Under the Sea.

Troi: Get the phaser.

* * *

A session with Counsellor Troi.

Troi is lying on the couch, Riker is above Troi.

Riker: I'm so sorry about that, the ceiling doesn't usually give way like that. It must have been that dinner that I ate on Christmas day.

Troi: Who's dinner? Mine, yours or Mann's?

Riker: Which ever one I ate last.

Troi: That would Geordi's.

Riker: Did I ever tell you about...

Troi: Will, this isn't one of the usual theraputic postures... and I bet that's not the last time I'll say that... Why don't you try...

Riker: sitting up?

Troi: Losing weight.

Riker stands up, Troi then stands as well.

Riker: The usual theraputic posture... right.

Riker stands in the corner and aims a phaser at the couch.

Riker: Send in the next patient.

Troi: It's you.

Riker sets his phaser on autofire and places it on a small table, he then sits on the couch...

Riker: Hey, I just thou...

PH-H-H-H-H-Z-Z-Z-ZT

Riker then enjoys the challenge of dodging phaser beams.

* * *

Captain's Yule Log. Once again crew morale is at an all time high. Mann is still with us. As is Pinky. Soon it will be the new year, and I'm hopeful that everything turns out ok... even for Spot...

Mann distant: Hypocrite.

Captain: I hearby order that good will shall be done to all men, and women...

Mann distant clears his throat.

Picard: And Manns.

Space, the final frontier...

Pinky: You say that every day, it's Christmas, be festive like I know you can be.

Picard: Anything for you Pinky.

Space, the attic is clear. These are the Christmas days on the starship Enterprise, its continuing passion, to explore strange, nice gifts... to seek out new friends and enjoy the olds... To boldly give, goodwill to all after and before...

...

Mann? Mann? Usually at that point...

Mann: I know, but I'm too full to concentrate on the helm, I don't know where we'd end up...

Picard: Make it snow!

* * *

As the theme tune plays, the Enterprise glides smoothly into warp... sideways and upside down.

* * *

Picard: At least for once Riker won't fall through the floors, just the ceiling...

Thud.

Picard: Hello Will.


End file.
